Camp NaNoWriMo Diaries: Day Eight – Is This Just an Endless Dream?

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was Day Eight of Camp.

And I wrote nothing.  And I edited nothing.

And then lying in bed before sleeping, I began to think things, as always.  Just before sleep tends to be when I am either the happiest or the most depressed.  I either pump myself up over what is to come, or fret about it and stress myself out.

Last night was the latter.  I did not fret about my non-existent word quota for the day.  No.  I went larger.  Much larger.  Because I thought back on a recent Writer’s Digest article I’d read, wherein the author, who is now a two-time Pulitzer Prize winner, literally tried his whole life to become a published author.  His. Whole. Life.

He told the story in the most endearing and quirky way, of course. And it was meant to be inspirational. But instead, it depressed me.

He wanted to be an author since he was a child.  Yet he lived a whole life toward that goal, writing and submitting, rinse and repeat, married, had children, divorced, and eventually sold a few things. Then sold more. And now he’s apparently doing just fine.

But it made me think.

Do I want to spend my whole life on this endeavor?

I’ve been taking it so seriously for about a year and a half now.  It was always a “dream” of mine, since I began writing my own original novel at 14.  Even before that, it was a desire.  “One day I’ll be an author”, I thought.  “One day I’ll be published.”

Granted, these days it’s easier than ever to be published.  You can be published without an editor, without an agent, without a cover designer.  You can be published without having a clue how to write.

I don’t think I’m one of those people who MUST be published traditionally in order to feel validated in my story-telling skills. (Especially once I see those royalty percentages …)

Nor am I entirely certain I’d feel my “dream” was a reality if I only self-published.  I feel the true realization of my author “dream” would be to join the ranks of the hybrid authors – those who have works published in both and all avenues.

But … at what cost?

This is the question that keeps me awake at night.  Being an author is being self-employed, even if you have a full-time day job.  Whether you are self-published or traditionally published, it’s a job. You have to meet deadlines (even if they are self-imposed), market yourself and your work, maintain your brand, establish and maintain your platform, keep at least a minimum of an online presence, manage quality control, and oh yes … write books.

What are you giving up to accomplish these things?

Family time?  Time with friends?  Sleep?  Health?

When it is no longer worth that cost?  Is it ever?

I have a habit of deciding I want something, or want to do something, and then tackling it full-on without ever looking back or second-guessing myself.  But sometimes, along this very, very long road, I do stop to look around and wonder if I’m even going the right way.

Sometimes I feel it would be so much better for myself, and my family, if I stop taking this so seriously.  Stop trying so hard.  Go back to writing as a hobby, for fun, without any business-related goal in the background.

Is writing still fun?  Yes.  Almost always.  Is it like it used to be?  No.  Not at all.  Is that probably because I’ve now learned how to write well and don’t allow myself to just hammer out whatever’s in my head?  Most likely.

I definitely do know, though, that I don’t want to spend my whole life with my eye on a far-off prize, only to finally, maybe-with-absolutely-no-guarantees, possibly achieve that prize, only to then at that point look around and realize I’ve raced through life with blinders on, so focused on that one thing I failed to fully participate in every other awesome thing that’s out there.

To get the prize through those means would make the prize worthless.

I want to pursue my writing goal, but I also don’t want it to consume my life so that nothing else has meaning.

Sometimes I have to take a step back and realize what is really important in life, and that, to me, is first and foremost family and friends.  And then health and well-being.

I will carry on with this chase and keep working toward getting something presentable and hopefully enjoyable out there into the world one way or another.  But I’m going to ease up on myself in other related areas, and stop feeling so pressured and/or stressed to meet certain expectations and/or marketing/brand/submission ploys.

I’m going to calm the f^&k down and just tell the story.

For me.  For fun.

<3 JRF