Pushing Through the Romanticism of Being a Writer

I think probably the most valuable thing I learned from NaNoWriMo last November (aside from the very important fact that I could, indeed, write a whole lot of words in a short amount of time) was that sometimes, writing could actually feel like work.  I feel that many creative people, especially when they are younger, feel that if they could just get a job doing their creative enterprise of choice, and make a living off of it, they could be happy working all day every day for most of their adult lives.  I often figured this very thing myself.  If I could just get to the point where I could write fulltime, as my job, my life would be complete.  That would be my ultimate goal, my ultimate achievement, my Holy Grail.  I would want for nothing after that.

But that’s not even really true.

And NaNo helped me realize that, even if it’s just now all really clicking into place.  I made a post on Day 2 of NaNo that said I felt like a real writer, even after just two days of writing in a row.  At the time, I didn’t really understand the specifics of why, but now I do.  It’s because I actually wrote something two days in a row – original stories, not fanfiction, which I hadn’t done in years.  That’s actually what me feel like a real writer, because I was making myself do it, instead of just letting myself be carried away by inspiration/the muse/creativity, etc, whatever you want to call it.  I was not just writing “when the mood struck”, I was writing every day, no matter what, no ifs ands or buts.

And that’s what it really means to be a real writer.  Or a real artist, or composer, or whatever creative endeavor it is that you love.  But that’s also what makes it feel like work.  You do it because that’s what you’re supposed to do, not because you necessarily feel like it at the time.  You have to learn how to force the inspiration, how to dig it out from under the piles of other crap that might be weighing you down that day, and just keep going.  Just Keep Writing.  The ability to do this very thing, I think, is extremely crucial to those who wish to make their creative projects their livelihood.  You depend on your livelihood, you can’t just wait for it show up on its own time.  You must do it, so you find ways to make it work.

Yesterday (and today, too) I felt like utter crap.  I have a terrible head cold that might be forming into bronchitis as I type.  I did not want to do anything yesterday except sleep.  But I had to work at my day job, and I had lots of writing and editing to do, too.  I managed to edit a document, that’s not so hard… but boy did my brain fight against that writing bit.  It fought tooth and nail, with gnashing of teeth and death threats.  None of my usual methods worked to calm it down and get it into writing-gear.  It simply stalled, puttered out, quit.  And yet the part of me that is just far too stubborn for its own damn good wouldn’t stop nagging… it said, “You need to finish this story today.  You said you would finish this story today.  You are going to finish this story today.”

The two conflicting attitudes really started to wear on my nerves and my patience.  I actually came to this blog and opened a window with the intent of typing up a rant about how stuck and frustrated I was, and to plead for advice (and sympathy) on how to get past the mental roadblock.  But before I had even finished the first sentence, that determined side of me finally won the tug-of-war.  It said, “NO!  YOU WILL NOT WRITE THAT BLOG POST!  THAT IS JUST PROCRASTINATION!  CLOSE THAT WINDOW RIGHT NOW AND WRITE THE DAMN STORY!”  Resigned, I did as I was told.  I moved from my desk to the living room armchair for a change of scenery, cranked up the epic music, and hashed it out to the end.

And you know what, I have to say… I couldn’t believe how amazing it felt to actually get the story finished and sent out to all the betas after such a struggle.  I am not a huge fitness person, but I imagine it’s the same feeling you get after pushing yourself past your previously-thought-impossible limits in something physical.  You feel amazing.  Powerful.  Invincible.  On top of the world.

So, the lesson driven home from NaNoWriMo 2012 and from yesterday’s tussle with the muse is that no matter what you do, no matter how much you love something, if you want to be a professional at it, there will be times you’ll still have to do it even if you don’t want to.  And it’s those times you need to sit back and think about if that’s the path you want to go down, as I have been doing for the past day.  Do you want to turn that thing you love into work?  Or do you want to keep it a nice relaxing hobby on the side?  Do you want to stress yourself out and exhaust yourself taking all the necessary steps to hopefully someday stand out among a very large crowd, or stay within your calm, peaceful circle of people who already enjoy and appreciate your creative projects?

It really all comes down to what you, personally, would define as “success”.  Honestly, when it comes right down to it, I would already consider myself a successful writer.  Do I have anything professionally published?  Nope.  But that is not my own personal definition of success.  It’s another layer I would like to add to my life, certainly, so I will keep striving toward it.  I’m just not going to kill myself over it and neglect other things in my life that are more important, ie, friends and family.

This does not mean that I will only write when inspiration strikes, nor that I will stop forcing myself to write when I would rather do anything but.  As I said, I am a firm believer in the fact that forcing yourself to write when you don’t want to is the mark of a real writer who has a chance to make it in the professional world of deadlines!  Not to mention it helps you grow as a writer, stretches your limits (and your patience!), hones your skills and helps you realize you can accomplish something that feels impossible – which will come in handy the next time it happens.  It is not fun, not by far, and Ernest Hemingway’s quote has never felt so true: “Writing is easy.  You simply sit down at the typewriter and bleed.”  But I do think it is a very necessary evil.

I think I have finally broken through the romanticized idea of being a writer.  I think I’m on the side of reality now, the work side, which is still usually enjoyable and fun.  And even on the days it’s not enjoyable or fun… well, it’s still a job I love to hate!